Sunday, July 29, 2007

昨日种种譬如昨日死

实在没有coding的心情,把Notre Dame的音乐剧翻出来又看了一遍。还是和以前一样,只喜欢前半段,最喜欢的角色是反面主角主教大人。最近下到个带花絮的版本,顺便扫了一眼,看到近结尾处开始大哭。不为别的,只为演诗人的那家伙扎了个马尾的微卷长发。

尽管已经能够在大部分时候若无其事提起过去种种,然而正如仿佛《大话西游》里悟空心里那滴眼泪,你以为已经忘记的却在某一刻统统涌上心头,把你淹没。记忆的没顶之灾。有那么四个字母,滑过唇间的同时仿佛钝刀割入心头。惨笑一下,他告诉我的第一首歌就是It's gonna rain today,莫非万事都是有预兆的?从此不再向喜欢的人推荐音乐、书籍,我怕了这样的预兆了。

记性太好也是一种折磨。比如自从在十一食堂门口的惊鸿一瞥之后,已经三年多没见rick了,但那天的阳光我竟如何也忘不了。天主保佑,第一次见他的情景总算是已经忘掉了,六年前的事情了,再记着真是要要人命了。那一回挣扎了若干年,总算是完全揭过去了,这回还能同样幸运么?尤其后来我喜欢上了拍照片。尚在幸福的时候就已然充满了对于失去的畏惧,于是拼命的拍啊拍,恨不得把每一个瞬间都定格在纸上。于是后来愈发不能忘。今天晚上剪头发的时候,师傅说我已经有了些许白发。出门前照镜子的时候,镜子里映出的俨然也不再是那个瘦削的小姑娘。人总是要不可避免的老去,而我想要的东西,终究还是没有得到。太在乎的时候,竟然会反而因此退却,我真是个不可思议的人。如果此刻他再提出同样的问题,我的回答仍旧会是一样,即使明白将来会因此有那么多的不眠之夜,那么多的眼泪,那么多的心痛。

爱一个人就应该让他快乐,不能让他快乐使我始终心中有愧。看着他在诺曼底海滩上的照片,那样活泼的笑容竟是我从未见过的!我给了他什么?矛盾、犹豫、痛苦,还有小站里寒冷的冬夜。是的,我是任性的,固执的,冷酷的,我骗了他,早在那句伤人的话说出口之前我已经做了决定。是错觉么?悲剧结局的预感从一开始就纠缠不去。初恋的时候似乎也是这样的呢,记得似乎下过决心这样的蠢事不要再做第二次了,没有幸福的预感就该早早放手。然而终究还是做不到。

昨日种种,譬如昨日死。可这回忆就是我所仅有的,如何舍得忘,如何可以忘!我就像是一枚蚌,甘心忍耐美好过往如砂砾般在心里最柔软的地方反复磨砺,因为明白它总有一天会变成一颗珍珠。

try

keep on looking, you keep on searching
keep on moving, and you get a little further
keep on trusting, you keep on hoping
keep on facing your faith, just to keep on growing

just try... try... you just try

keep on wondering, you keep on asking
keep on reaching, keep on taking chances

keep on longing, you keep on dreaming
keep on doing what you do
never give up believing

just try... try... you just try
you just try... try... just try

maybe your world shakes
you try to hold on
maybe your heart breaks
just keep on loving
maybe you'll find out
it's meant to be this way
maybe you'll learn this
or maybe we'll learn this

just try... try... you just try
you just try... try... just try

keep on embracing each day, keep on yearning
keep on making mistakes, just to keep on learning
keep on giving, you keep on wanting
keep on fighting, just get up every morning

and try...try....just try
you just try...try....just try
you just try...you just try...just try

请你一定要幸福。

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